This is more of a journal entry - maybe just to encourage my own trust in God - of the last few weeks. I have lots of photos still on our camera and will switch back to the carefree Collin pics and commentary in the blogs to come.
Seven ways God has been good to me in an ectopic pregnancy / miscarriage:1. I knew I was miscarrying before I took a pregnancy test. Unlike typical miscarriages where there's joy with a positive pregnancy test and hope for the child growing inside you, it was only after I had crazy things going on with my body and figured out I must be miscarrying that I even took a pregnancy test. God spared me the normal sorrow over the loss of a baby.
2. It wasn't cervical cancer. While I was in Boston at a work conference, the strange symptoms started. As I googled my symptoms, I ignored pregnancy sites, quite assured I wasn't pregnant, and ended up at cervical cancer webpages. When we figured out it was a miscarriage - even an ectopic pregnancy - it was a much preferred outcome to cervical cancer. God took me there to give me some perspective.
3. It didn't fully rupture in Boston. The doctor thinks Monday morning in Boston, when I had sharp pain that lasted 10-15 minutes - was probably when my left fallopian tube ruptured. Quite often - certainly the kind shown on tv - ectopic pregnancies involve a full rupture where it's emergency surgery that's fairly invasive. God protected me, by allowing my body to close off the rupture and sustain the injury. Rather than being alone in Boston having surgery, I made it home and 9 days later it was repaired laparoscopically with
my doctor and Cas and my mom in the waiting room.
4. God gave me a verse. My cell phone has no reception in my midwife/OB's office. I wasn't even able to call Cas and tell him that it was an ectopic pregnancy. I went in to the doctor Tuesday assuming they would confirm that I was having a miscarriage and that my body would resolve itself in the next week or two. So after a very thorough ultrasound, when the midwife had to transfer me to the OB and when the OB was telling me I was scheduled for surgery the next day, it was shocking and stressful.
When I finished with the doctor and the physician's assistant, I turned my phone on and it opened to a Scripture memory application that I had not been in for days. And the verse was Psalm 86: 5-7, "For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace. In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me." Such a great message for me then, and later that night as I couldn't sleep, and then in the LONG 30 minutes that I lay outside the operating room, just sitting in the hallway waiting for surgery.
5. God gave me a team of support - from my mom and grandma who had dinner with me Tuesday night, and my mom who stayed until 10:30pm for Cas to arrive home from San Antonio, to my mother-in-law who stayed with Collin on Wednesday and had chicken stew waiting when we arrived. Cas forfeited whatever plans he had for a productive work week and relaxing Father's Day weekend. And my wonderful family and friends prayed, called and texted, and lined up meals for us.
6. I had an incredible recovery. On Wednesday post-surgery, I mistakenly took Vicadin offered, and was nauseous and spacey. I left the hospital later than the doctor had predicted, which made me worried it was going to be a difficult recovery. But after the Vicadin's effect wore off, I had a remarkably easy recovery. Thursday morning I took a few Advil and after that I was pain pill-free and felt better every day.
7. God foretold His plan for me. Not specifically that I would go through this. But in December, Cas and I were on different pages with the ideal spacing for our offspring. Cas was leaning towards trying to have children 3 years apart, and I was wanting them spaced 2 years apart. I also (reluctantly) acknowledged that I was not in control of the exact 24-month spacing, but wanted to try sooner rather than later in case it took awhile to conceive another child.
So while I waited, I prayed that God would direct us on the timing of having another child. But the prayer of my heart was that Cas would change his mind and get on my 2-year bandwagon. And the first time I prayed, I sensed God say September.
I tried to reason with God. I didn't want to wait until September. I didn't want my children that far apart, I didn't want my child to be born in June and be among the youngest of his or her class. That was not my timeline.
And though I managed to convince Cas to join my two year time frame, I didn't convince God. In fact, at one point I told Cas I was so assured of September, I was a little worried that if we got pregnant before then, I'd miscarry. My dad would test me by offering me wine, and numerous times I'd assure him that we weren't pregnant, one time even noting that I expected to be in September.
Today in church, one of the verses we sang said, "There is peace for those whose confidence is in Him alone." And I feel like God is offering me peace. I can tell you there is despair when I compare myself to friends who have a child Collin's age and are pregnant again or when I hear from the doctor that with just one fallopian tube, it will be harder to conceive.
But I am going to fight for peace and trust God for September. Ironically, that month seemed so far away in December. Now, it will be our best-case scenario, as I'm sure in my check-up this week, our doctor will tell us to give my body a few months before trying to get pregnant again. And so as I trust God against my hormones, against scientific odds, against seeds of doubt that say God is not for me, I will know that "Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases (Ps 115:3)."
Collin practiced his swimming skills with Jasper, kicking and pulling with his arms -
Collin wasn't interested in looking at the camera, but was happy to show off blowing Mom a kiss -
