Learning that God is good

I have sets of pictures from Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Collin's second birthday. But they are all on a sick external hard drive that Cas instructed me not to turn on for fear we may lose the 8600 pictures (seriously!) that we've taken in the first 24 months of Collin's life.

So while I have no photos to upload, I thought I'd journal about what God has been teaching me lately, namely that He has a good plan. This is a typical church answer and one which I probably gave as unsolicited advice to people going through hard times, but it has been much more difficult for me to believe when I'm not getting my way.

When we didn't get pregnant in September like I thought we would, I really began to question God's plan. I told Cas that I believed in my head that God had a good plan for us, but I didn't believe it in my heart. I told God that it was not good that our children would be most likely spaced 3 years apart in school. It was not good that Collin would be spaced further out than I wanted from a younger sibling and therefore, likely not be as close, especially when they are young. It was not good that my second pregnancy, which I had hoped to use as a stepping stone into a part time work schedule, was being delayed.

I remember praying about it on a bus ride from the rainforest to Quito on our trip to Ecuador and feeling like God spoke Isaiah 55 over me - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

And then God began to take my eyes off myself. He showed me hurting kids in Quito's orphanages and let me follow on facebook and in emails the work Oswaldo and Denise continue to do for the children of Ganas. He let me read stories from Compassion bloggers in Ecuador like this one. He blew me away with blogs like this from Kisses from Katie.

And God helped me to believe that His plan really is good, even when it's different from what I wanted. He showed me stories like this from Nicole Whiteacre who is adopting orphans from Ethiopia, ages 2 and 6, fitting in beautfully with her 8-year-old Jack and 4-year-old Tori:
We called Jack and Tori to join us, and they were thrilled to finally see their new brother and sister. We couldn't have planned their ages more perfectly if we tried: eight, six, four, and two. All the waiting to get pregnant after Jack and Tori was God making space in our family for these precious children.

God took me on this journey of belief, and then He let us get pregnant again. There were signs from the beginning that this pregnancy was not on the right track. And God chose to let this pregnancy end in miscarriage. Even though it wasn't a surprise, it was still sad. And so I'll be fighting for joy and fighting to trust God over fearing infertility.

In the midst of my sadness and doubts, I'm thankful that God ensured I really believed Him before he took me through another miscarriage. I know that God can get more glory out of lives that don't go according to our plans. And I'm excited to look back at this season ten years from now and see how God worked through our lives to bring about deeper faith and a firmer foundation for our family.